one month

IMG_0028Time is something that we really can’t measure.  Oh sure we try, there are minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years.   We even break it down to milliseconds and then try to grasp the infinite, but at it’s core we can’t really tell time.  We just live daily and look forward and back and try to plan and re-group and move ahead.

I have a one month time appointment.   You see one month ago I walked into a new meeting with my son, and a new doctor, ( assigned to us) to help manage some medication for an unknown and mystical ailment he has been dealing with.  Of course if you have never had the chance to navigate the unchartered waters of the mental health world you would not understand that there is no answer, no cure or consistency when dealing with issues of the mind and often there is no “diagnosis” either.   We just know we have to go once a month for a check up and do all we can to avoid another hospital stay.   We went expecting to try something new, something that would help and not hinder in this field of “lets try this” or “lets mix this”, or “here is a new one”, but this time we had a total unexpected event.  The new MD, Psychiatrist, simply looked across his desk and told my son nothing was wrong.  He declared he was fine and didn’t need to come back at all.  After I physically shut my jaw that had hit the floor and stopped the lump in my throat from breaking free, I asked what exactly what did he mean?   I told him that he was required by the law to come for the next year, once a month, and that, we would in fact be coming back.  He stuck to his guns and said nothing was wrong and to stop all medications, within 4 days or so.  That sent alarms running through my brain, I knew you couldn’t just stop meds without weaning down from them, luckily I had done just that the previous 10 days as I thought his meds were, in fact, making him worse.   But this?  Stop everything and move on as if this was just a blip on the screen of his life?  My son looked at me and said  ” I told you nothing was wrong with me” so he stopped all meds that day.  It was all I could do not to come unglued and panic as I thought he would be back in the hospital and having to endure so much more pain and anguish; I remained stoic and nodded.

So, one month is upon us tomorrow.   All is stable, no real issues with withdrawal and absolutely no symptoms manifesting as they had in the past two years.   So, of course I was determined to find another doctor and get someone who could help my son; I mean there is no way this “assigned” “cheap” psychiatrist could be right,  and then I took a breath.  I mean, we had been praying about this, interceding on his behalf, believing for a miracle and when I heard the words that he was fine I simply dismissed them.   I set my mind against this doctor and waited to be proved right, after all my son has had two years of darkness and unworldly behavior, he couldn’t just be “fine” now could he?  We had been dealing with things that one only sees in the movies and now “there is nothing wrong with him?”; I have seen too much wrong to believe

So I made a conscious decision to believe.  After all, I ask my gals in bible study to trust and believe and here I was an unbeliever in the face of praying and asking God to heal my son.  I felt a bit weird confessing to the group that I was going to believe the doctor and go along with diagnosis that he was fine.  That he had endured a hard couple of years and was labeled by the first doctor and then all the other doctors followed suite.     I knew enough that he had been under spiritual attack and my husband and I had even felt the real presence of evil in our home.  But none the less, I chose to believe.  I chose to believe in the power of prayer.  I chose to believe that he is healed and even  if he is not,  I will still choose that the God of the universe will protect and keep him and for hope, but I DO BELIEVE.    It sounds unlikely I know, I have talked to many people who would think I was in denial, they would try and talk me out of believing due to past behaviors, but I am choosing to brush them aside, I BELIEVE,

When was the last time you asked God for an answer to prayer and when you got one you simply denied it?    I thought it would look different, that it would be harder and not so clear!   So this doctor says my son in is fine, Okay, I believe and give thanks to God.  Even with all that I declare, I am still struggling to not type an addendum; to say” please don’t judge me as a fool if I am wrong”  and don’t mock me wanting to believe   But in the end I know I follow the God of the universe, and He says I can go to him and ask for wisdom and to ask without wavering; so today and tomorrow and the next day I will choose to believe my son is better, he is really better, so I will say again I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE, do you?

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3 comments

  1. Meta Sadlon · October 23, 2014

    Amy this is very moving! Thanks for sharing!! I think u did a good job on this message! Believing takes muscles…heart! It is SO like us humans to be Negative and not trust….I will pray for your family…for Woodson…he is a joy to be around! Keep him around the horses!!! Meta

    Like

  2. Lyndyl Sorensen · October 25, 2014

    Dear Amy, You certainly got a profound session. Your son and his doctor agree. Those are the words. The fruit will now flow and be abundant. Love, Aunt Lindy

    Like

  3. Pamela · November 21, 2014

    Oh Amy…so beautifully written! I believe as well. If we don’t believe than we may miss God’s miracles and blessings in our lives! Woodson is truly a blessing in our lives. Love you, Pamela

    Liked by 1 person

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